i go through these things. these phases. sometimes they're momentary, sometimes they last a day, or a week, or a whole season. they seem to come with the weather. or hormones. or maybe they are the result of nothing at all. just part of who i am.
i get restless. unhappy. dissatisfied. i analyze my self and my life. i question the value of who i am and what i've done. i get extremely critical. i often do something drastic to try and soothe the symptoms. i'll chop my hair, quit my job, sign up for a class (in this case, kosama).
last year at this time, i got myself off of antidepressants. i quit cold turkey. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. you're really not supposed to just quit that stuff. it's weird when i think back... i used to take a little white pill every night before bed. it made me feel better. it made me more tolerant. less anxious. for a long time i thought, wow, this is how normal people feel! but then i started feeling bad again. i was irritable again. anxious. plus i'd gained 20 pounds. i told my doctor i wanted to wean myself off of the little white pill. she said i just needed more. and added another pill just in case. i smiled and listened and thanked her as i held out my hand for the prescription that i knew i'd never fill.
this morning i was lying in bed, staring at the wall, thinking about the things i need to do and the worries i have and the stress i'm feeling. mr.a asked what i was thinking about so obviously i said, "nothing."
i immediately flashed back to the early days of 'us,' when i was young and immature and didn't know how to communicate. i didn't trust boys enough to be completely honest with my feelings, so even though mr.a had already been my friend for years, i would stare out the window and say, "nothing" if he asked what was wrong. (classic chick move.)
i'm not that young anymore and, most of the time, i'm not that immature. i know how to communicate. and i know it's important. saying "nothing" when your loved one asks you what is wrong is a slap in the face. it's saying, "i don't trust you/love you/care about you enough to let you in on this." i know that's not right. and it's not healthy. so after a moment of prodding, i opened my mouth and told him what i was thinking and how i was feeling. there's not really a happy ending to this story because it didn't immediately make me feel better. we didn't turn to each other with tears in our eyes, kiss passionately while begging for forgiveness and end up making love in the rain. in fact, if i'm going to be honest, his response offended me. but the truth is often offensive, don't you think? he basically said:
it's a lot easier to change your perspective than to change your whole life. whether it's a job or school, your family or your friends; nothing can make you happy unless you are happy.
he's smart, huh? he's also patient. and kind. even when i'm moody, overly-sensitive and likely a pain in his butt.
i have to remind myself--i'm prone to these feelings. this...depression.
this happens every year, B. that feeling in your chest? that tight little knot that makes you feel like you can't get a deep breath in? you've had that before. you know this. and you know it passes. don't take it out on your family. don't avoid the people who love you. exercise. breathe deeply. eat clean. get outside. and whatever you do, do NOT cut your hair.