Tuesday, January 04, 2011

think.

this one's a downer.
i wrote this yesterday and almost didn't post it. who wants to start the new year off being depressed by d.t.w.s.l.d? but here it is...

after staying up too late and being woken up a few times throughout the night,* i started the day in a foul mood. i was just a grouch. mad to be awake. mad at quinn for crying. mad at piper for digging through her muffin to eat all the chocolate chips.**  mad at myself for not being able to fall asleep without mr.a. mad that my garage door stopped working (again!) and i have to lift it manually. mad that we were going to be late. i was just mad.

 i took piper to preschool and took a shower.
the steam started melting away my anger, revealing the root of the problem--me.

one of the hardest things about deployment is not living your best life. i'm just not the best version of me under these circumstances. i'm not the best mom. not the best housekeeper (or let's be honest, i'm the worst housekeeper). i'm not a great friend. not a great cook. i'm always running late or forgetting something. yesterday i came home to a notice on my door that they're going to shut my water off in 48 hours because i forgot to pay my bill.
i feel like i'm just surviving, not succeeding.
 that's a really hard way to live for two years of your life.****
even though it's only january, sometimes i can't wait for this year to be over.  



*i hear a noise and go out to the living room to find piper watching public television--at 3 am!
**but we love those muffins--thanks jennifer!
***i know this is a comletely spoiled, americanized view of survival. i have a wonderful life and shouldn't  be allowed to even utter that word.
****in case you're new here: mr.a was gone for 7 months of training and prep for deployment last year. this year he's putting the training to use in afghanistan.

24 comments:

  1. Take a deep breath and know that it's gonna be okay. There will be good days and bad days but you are not alone --between followers like me and GOD. Keep your head up we're routing for you!

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  2. Thank you for being my Hero. I LOVE you Bethany. I had this whole morning and somehow I just came to your page and saw this... We have these days and we have to have these days. I don't know why... but I just pray for the good days but I feel this exact way right now nothing is right. Nothing is normal. Nothing is you... because one of the most IMPORTANT parts of us is gone in another country at war. It's disgusting at times but graceful somewhat at others. I look at my friendship with you and what I have gained and I have gained somethings through this deployment. I'm so thankful and not that I find Joy in your bad days but this made mine better. I'm not alone I have so many other woman that I can look to for advice and thank you for posting this. Call me if you need to chat ever or to watch the 'monsters' because I have one too! We love them so much!

    Have an amazing day
    Nicole

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  3. Honestly I read your blog everyday to be inspired. I am a working mom who struggles everyday to feel balance. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be sometimes. I have my husband safe at home with me everyday, and I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't there. I commend you for doing what you do. From what I can read, you are doing a wonderful job. Just take one day at a time and know that you are not alone. Thinking of you. Carrie

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  4. oh my dear, my heart aches for you. keep reminding yourself that this too shall pass. it won't always be like this. you may believe you're just surviving right now, but that in and of itself is succeeding. keep breathing.

    i love your words. recognize how much strength is in them.

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  5. This post makes me want to kick myself in the butt for feeling frustrated myself lately. I am struggling too, but for completely different reasons - reasons that shy in comparison to living without the love of your life, your best friend for a year. I commend you, you are a strong woman and even though you are bound to hear it over and over again, you should give yourself a pat on the back. I'd say you are doing much more than surviving. Then again, isn't that what we all do day-to-day sometimes?

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  6. You are a peach. Be kind to yourself.

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  7. Oh bless your heart. I have a hard time sleeping when my hubby is gone too, and I cannot imagine what I would be like if I had to be away from him as long as you are away from your sweet husband. I will pray for you and your sweet girls, as well as a safe return for your husband.

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  8. Oh, we all go thru rough patches. No one expects you to be all sunshines and rainbows 24/7. That's what I like about my favorite blogs ... the writers are real about themselves and their lives. True, no one wants to hear depressing stuff all the time but every once in awhile its good to share...shows that you're a real mom, wife, etc. that is dealing with life during your husband's deployment. Stay strong girl!

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  9. :( sad faces here for you. keep in mind that the tough spots like these make the sweet spots sweeter. It's hard to keep perspective when you are deep in the trenches though - so it's fine to have bad days. One day you will look back on this and you'll be thankful for the trials. They are making you a better person. thinking of you!

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  10. I love reading all these comments. I love that you have this blog and you have hundreds of people rooting for you!

    And I love all of you for sending such sweet sentiments to my sister! Her burden is my burden and I wish I didn't have my own kids so I could move in with her for the year! Ha :) kidding (kinda)

    I love the comment that survival is essentially succeeding. So true! I know some time with God in his word would do you some real good.

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  11. Thanks for the honesty in this blog...sometimes I feel like I am trying my darndest to keep it together as a working momma to a 3 year old and 1 year old...and I have my husband here! Kudos to you. The world knows you are doing your very best under crazy circumstances. You and your family are constantly in my thoughts!

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  12. You and haverlee sure have the hate the housework in common LOL! Hang in there.

    HEY PS !! That shirt company finally emailed me back..they are hopefully going to make me the shirt!

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  13. I totally feel your pain. Everything you say in this post is true for me too, except it was my electricity that almost got turned off.

    Like someone else said, deep breathes. It is what it is, and you are NOT alone.

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  14. oh man b! i have to say that i echo your other fans...i am rooting for you and alana and praying, praying, praying. what a terribly tough season of life. couldn't be prouder or more inspired that you get up each day and do what has to be done. keep writing lady!

    ps. i just figured out how to leave comments on blogs today. am i slow or what?

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  15. Hey - nothing much new to say after reading all the other comments - but hang in there - be kind to yourself. The good thing is that it's finally the new year - and that before this year is over Seth will be home. Plus, winter is hard on everyone. I don't know how people live in long winter climates do it with small children. All that warming up the car, putting kids into coats and snow pants yada yada - I would lose it. If all else fails - come to MS for a visit!

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  16. I love that Piper was watching public TV at 3am! Was she watching "Barns of Iowa?" Take comfort in the fact that she was watching something that was appropriate and likely educational :) Hang in there and look for the small joys!

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  17. I forgot to pay the water bill too...also came home to a notice. I am always forgetting, always late, always messy, all of these things you mentioned...i am too! I would rather sit on my computer and "communicate" with the "real world", which is really just "not my world" than clean, work out, or read. I am in a funk. How does one get out...cause there is not snap about it.

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  18. Footprints:

    One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

    In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

    This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

    “You promised me Lord,
    that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

    The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”


    **Let the lord carry you through your bad days. Let Him guide you. Just Be. :)

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  19. I understand how you feel! I'm also a military wife and young mother of two girls (Claire[2.5] & Charlotte[1]). I know it gets SO hard and sometimes you just feel like crawling back in to bed and hiding from all of it. The good thing is that these moments, however miserable and trying, are usually fleeting. Keep your head up! You're stronger than you think!

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  20. P.S. I'm lucky to get the house clean when hubs is home let alone when he's away! You're certainly not alone in that aspect!

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  21. Hang in there! The only deployment we have endured so far was when I was pregnant with our oldest. I am secretly dreading the day I have to undergo a 6+ month deployment with two littles. My husband is on shore duty now but travels a lot a month at a time. A lot of the time I feel like I am in survival mode and am definitely not the best parent when my hubby is gone. It's stressful having everything on your shoulders right now. I've learned to get a babysitter every once in a while just to get a physical break. Sounds like you maybe already do that from some of your other posts.

    Thinking about you and praying that God will give you strength and endurance during your husbands deployment. :)

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  22. http://www.etsy.com/listing/63159640/when-i-get-sad-i-stop-being-sad-and-be

    for reals. If it was easy I'd always be awesome. but this print does put a smile on my face and reading your blog puts a smile on my face too. except this entry. while reading this one I did not smile...until you wrote about piper watching tv at 3 am. then I smiled. couldn't help it.

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