Friday, July 16, 2010

think.

it was late. after midnight. i had taken a nap earlier, so i was wide awake. mr.a had already gone to bed. i finished up a few things and, though i wasn't tired, i knew i should try to go to sleep. i climbed into bed and just lay there; convincing my mind to settle, my thoughts to subside.
but it doesn't and they won't.
all i can think about is the future. the near future. the future in which i'm alone, raising two girls. and mr.a is in the mountains of afghanistan, supporting his family and his country. i see us both surviving more than living. and all sorts of anxiety floods my mind.
i lay there next to my husband who won't be laying there in little over two weeks. how do you cherish a moment like that? how do you freeze and store his touch and presence and calm? how do you memorize the curves of his face? his nose. his eyelids. his chest and arms. how can you cling to his smell and his breath and his gaze. can you capture the way he makes you feel? can you record every word he has said so that you can hear his voice again? can anyone else give the confidence, reassurance, and support that he does?
i lay there for what felt like forever. and then i gave up.
i spoke to God. asked him to quiet my heart and my mind. if not forever, at least for now so that i could sleep. my words to him kept being interrupted by my own thoughts and fears. it was early morning when i finally turned my lamp on.
i grabbed the only book on my nightstand. it's called "daily light." there is a page for each morning and night, every day of the year. each page has a collection of verses with a similar theme. i turned to the passage for the day:

I am with you to save you.
Can the wealth a soldier wins in war be taken away from him?
Can a prisoner be freed from a powerful soldier?
I will fight your enemies and I will save your children.
I will contend with him who contends with you.
All flesh shall know that I, the Lord, am your Savior and your Redeemer.
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my right hand.
We do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses,
but was on all 
points tempted as we are, yet without sin. 
Because He himself has been tempted, he is able to aid those who are also tempted. 
The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way.
Though he may fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;
for the Lord upholds him with His hand.

i then read the passage for the evening:

He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness.
You have tasted that the Lord is gracious.
O God, you are my God; early will I seek You;
My soul thirsts for you; my flesh longs for You
in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water.
So I have looked for You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory.
My soul longs, yes, even faints for the courts of the Lord;
My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.
Having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better.
I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness.
They shall neither hunger nor thirst;
The sun shall not strike them, nor any heat.
For the Lamb who is on the throne will shepherd them
and lead them to fountains of waters.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,
and You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures.
"My people shall be satisfied with My goodness," says the Lord.


my eyes filled with tears. but they were tears of peace.
i know that He is with us.
He will be with me as i
take on each task of a mother and a father.
He will be with seth as he fights and serves and lives in a war.

whether you're reading this and resonate with those words or not; they were exactly what i needed. i know that He guided me to reach for that book. to turn to those pages. to read His promises. to feel surrounded by His love, power, and protection.  
in that quiet moment before the sun rose, there was finally a quiet in my heart.
and i fell asleep.
  

14 comments:

  1. Amen, girl! The perfect words for trials and tribulations... I'll be thinking and praying for you. You have a huge task ahead of you... but one that your Heavenly Father will be holding you through out.

    ReplyDelete
  2. your words here are so eloquent. so real. and such pure emotion. thank you for sharing, this post is really something. all the best to you, mr. a, and your children.

    and keep breathing! someday these struggles will all be a distant memory.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This was so heartbreakingly beautiful. Even though I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now, these words resonated with me for completely different reasons. Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love the honesty. I can tell how much you adore your husband, how appreciative you are of him, and how proud you are of him from your posts. Not everyone is so open. Crazy how deployments can actually make you feel closer in other ways.

    ReplyDelete
  5. oh girl. God is so faithful to our weary souls. Thank you for what YOU do and will do so that MY girl, MY husband, and MYself can have the freedom we do. May HE bless you in great abundance and meet you in the quiet places of your heart today.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Praise God for his Holy Word!!! I love it! Know that I'm praying for ya' girl! :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. tears just reading it! praying for you both. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  8. Beautifully written post - I'll be praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. my favourite post in a long time.
    I love so much how the Lord guides us just where we need to be.
    When I'm scared I remember that if I'm holding His hand, wherever I am, He's led me there so I am safe with Him.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I love your openness and honesty! it's why I've always liked you! You are on of my personal heros doing this whole process!

    ReplyDelete
  11. | God is SO Good! |

    Praying that your separation is fleeting and his return is swift. Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  12. oh, sweet girl. that was so absolutely beautiful. i love how you were led specifically to open that book...i know that while he's gone you will be led to more things that will help you get through every single day. there are so many people out there praying for you, your little ones, & for your husband. there are also even more people who appreciate what you, your little ones, & your husband are doing for each & every one of us & our families as well. thank you for sharing your brave spirit with us. i can only see it growing while he is away from you. you are completely amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Beautiful post - made me tear up! Thank you to your wonderful Mr. A and others like him who sacrifice their comfort and security for the rest of us. Thank you also to you and your girls, and all the other military families, who sacrifice YOUR comfort and security so that your husbands, wives, and children can serve this country. Praying for all of you!

    ReplyDelete
  14. As a smaller company owner, you probably want someone to assist
    you to with your work from time for it to time http://nie.im we won't get audi's
    air suspension for our versions with the a6, however.
    Also see my webpage: http://nie.im

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.