Thursday, May 28, 2009

think.


after a few days of rain (and being stuck in the house) i'm feeling dreeeeary. like, don't-feel-like-getting-dressed-didn't-wash-my-face-need-to-get-out-of-the-house-but-don't-know-where-to-go-with-my-emotionally-unstable-two-year-old dreary.

i didn't really get post-partum "baby blues" after piper was born. but i think i have post-baby "toddler blues" now.
you have this crazy love for your child, but it's tough and the good moments are outweighed by the challenging ones.

we recently spent the night at mr.arganbright's parents house. they let us sleep in and got piper up and fed. at some point i could hear her sweet little voice chatting away downstairs. i laid there for a while listening and telling myself i should just go back to sleep. but i had this maternal drive to just go down and see her and give her a hug. i walk down the stairs and when she sees me she runs right over to me, gives me a huge hug and says,
"wuv woo, mommy!"
well, that's what i was hoping for.
what actually happened is she threw herself on the floor screaming,
"no, mommy, no! want daddy!"
whew, i had to go back upstairs so i didn't get choked up. i know she's just 2 and i feel dumb admitting it, but it really hurt.
i'll have a long, crazy hair-pulling day with her and feel like i'm giving so much, only to have her reject me and want mr. arganbright every time.
i'm sure there are moments where he envies the time i have with her. sometimes i envy the time he doesn't have with her.
(and then i feel guilty about it, so there's that.)

you just want to be that mom that when your kid is 20, they're like, "my mom was really great and always was ______ (fill in cool trait here) and did _________ (fill in other cool thing there)."
my dad often reminds us that this time is so short in the grand scheme of things. and i read stuff like this and it challenges me to be present and creative and just, better.

but right now, in this moment, i'm hesitating to go get groceries cause i don't want to deal with keeping her entertained for an hour while i try to be organized enough to get food into our house (let alone create a meal out of said food later). so that's my reality right now. of course i'd love to spend each day reading stories and playing outside and making crafts and laughing and frolicking (are you getting this visual? there's happy music playing in the background, too); but stuff like rain and tantrums and laundry and messes and lack of motivation get in the way.

sorry. this is depressing. i'm gonna go get dressed and head to target. who can be depressed at target?! there i will get groceries and look at cute house stuff (just look) and bribe piper with all sorts of ridiculous cheapies and maybe get myself something yummy at starbucks. the end.

8 comments:

  1. Bethany,

    I've been following your blog since it was in Juice a) because we have the same name b) I have an 18 month old girl and am due with another in August and c) I especially liked your maternity wear ideas!
    I've never commented before, but suddenly feel the impulse to now. My daughter is a complete Daddy's girl and will choose him over me everytime. And the whole wanting to be a super-star mom but feeling like you're failing? Yep, been there, too. What helps me is to have one goal each day and then go for it. Just one-- can be as simple as getting a load of laundry done. Also know that if you are doing the best you can, you should never have any regrets. Hopefully the sun will come out soon :)

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  2. Bethany,

    You have done a great job at echoing my same experiences with my kids who choose daddy over mommy EVER stinkin' time!

    the sunny side of this story is that when they turn about 4, 5, 6-ish...you get the random hug or i love you or wink (which means i love you) in public. it makes up for all those other times when the cheated on us with daddy. ;)

    you are in just about the hardest stage of life with your family...the next couple years will mold you & shape you. i have felt like from about 2-5 with OZ has been the most trying times of my life...but i know more about myself now than ever before.

    that probably isn't encouraging to hear--but i say all that to say: give yourself a whole lotta grace. i didn't do that near enough when avery was born & i am just now learning how to say it's all okay...it doesnt look/smell/act/feel okay--but it is OKAY.

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  3. thank-you both.
    your comments (and a stop at starbucks) have helped turn this day around. or, at least helped me stop crying. :)

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  4. Ok Bethany, thank you for your post. As hard as it is for you to be going through this time and to blog about it it is so encouraging to me. I am not the only one! You are not the only one! Seriously, this mommy hood is sooooooo hard and NO ONE who hasn't been there gets it. And for mommies it is so different. Lillie too picks Mark over me and I think its because I spank her more or I am meaner and he is gentle and fun. Oh the thoughts we think. I told Mark the other day it is all overwhelming because if I didn't have a house to clean or meals to cook or a million loads of laundry to do and all I had to do was be a mommy it would probably be easier! Someone told me not too long ago, if I am a mommy God has gifted me to do it! He has gifted us and we can do it, because HE is gracious.

    I just heard UPS pull up, finally diapers that fit Mr. Titus man so he doesn't mess his clothes! Thank you diapers.com.

    Hang in there sister, you can do it! And know, if you are crying and overwhelmed chances are someone else is doing it somewhere they just don't tell anyone.

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  5. One of the greatest injustices to new moms is that picture perfect idea that motherhood is all fun and games and laughter. It is freaking hard! I appreciate when moms can cut the crap (oh my, I just typed the word crap on your comment section) and be real and say "I am struggling. This is hard." We have ALL been there. And we have ALL survived. And you will too.

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  6. Thank you for being SO real Bethany! You are a great mommy and Piper is very blessed to have you(she just doesn't it know it yet...but she will). What you are going through is so normal and every mommy feels it...but you are strong enough and humble enough to admit it. It does get better...but I still have "days" and my kids are so much older. I am SO thankful for grace! Don't be too hard on yourself and please know that you are NOT alone! I read your blog from today too...new beginnings are great! We need to get together again soon...loved visiting and hanging out with you the other night.

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